30 years

 Thirty Years...

Thirty years of only using the phone when I had a good excuse and hanging up after.

Thirty years of not knowing how to make small talk.

Thirty years of never being able to talk to strangers.

Thirty years of hiding in corners and doorways.

Thirty years of not belonging anywhere.

Thirty years of losing all my friends over and over.

Thirty years of waiting for the spontaneous call from a friend.

Thirty years of being rejected for not trying hard enough.

Thirty years of containing emotions because I know they are trying their hardest.

Thirty years of staying up late at night and dreading tomorrow.

Thirty years of escaping into every world but mine.

Thirty years of waiting for things to get better.

Thirty years of hiding addictions to food, porn, and media.

Thirty years of berating myself for not being stronger.

Thirty years of giving up what I want for what others need.

Thirty years of wondering if God is really a god of love when it seems like no one else cares.

Thirty years of hating to watch people try to interact with me.

Thirty years of small pains and abuses that arent worth mentioning.

Thirty years of knowing everyone else has bigger problems then me.

Thirty years of watching things pile into that closet.

Thirty years of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs every night.

Thirty years of wearing headphones in hopes drowning out the world.

Thirty years of wanting to get hurt just to see who would notice.

Thirty years of counting the days between times when someone else will call me for once.

Thirty years everyone else being too busy.

Thirty years of wanting to quit everything.

Thirty years of pretending that everything is fine.

Thirty years and counting.

This is what keeps me awake at 3 in the morning. This is what i wish I could talk about. This is what everyone SAYS they want to know. This is what people don't want to know.